


Gudako Gets A Teaching Job

by Shutterbutters



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Action, F/F, Gudako gets a job at the Clocktower and it doesn't go very well, Humor, Other, crackfic, crossposted from my tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 15:13:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17062139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shutterbutters/pseuds/Shutterbutters
Summary: Unable to pay for her own school tuition, Gudako offers to teach a course at the infamous school and headquarters of the magus association, the Clocktower. Her course? The art of making friends.





	Gudako Gets A Teaching Job

After her victories over all threats to space and time, Gudako attempted to return to normal life and resume high school. Unable to pay her tuition however (anyone who could pay her for services rendered to Chaldea was pretty dead), she had offered to teach part-time at the Clocktower to make ends meet. Her subject? The art of making friends.

Nobody thought it was a good idea, most especially Mash. The Clocktower Magi were simply too violent, too power-hungry, too antisocial. Holmes had even told her to bring Mash for security purposes. But no, Gudako had insisted on coming alone. The whole point of the class was to pave the way for a friendlier, sociable Clocktower, and a new professor waltzing into class flanked by powerful familiars would only serve to intimidate the students.

 “Now.” Gudako addressed the lecture hall crammed with magi young and old. “The first thing you want to do is put your best foot forward. Your goal is to get this person to like you, so starting with a polite but effective introduction is key.” 

The air buzzed as the students traded harsh whispers and scribbled furiously on their notepads. Some were asking their seatmates for a clearer explanation, others were already muttering rebuttals on how the faculty had hired a hack.

A burly man sitting at the front who looked to be in his mid 40′s raised a large hand. 

“Nobody in this class understands anything you just said,  _Professor_.” He rumbled, his gruff voice emphasizing the last word with all the subtlety of rolling thunder. “Perhaps you ought to show us an example of this ‘putting your best foot forward.’ that you seem to think is so effective.“

Snickers and jeers rippled through the class as the magi refocused on Gudako, daring her to work her “magic”. 

Gudako gulped behind the lectern. They clearly weren’t going to make this easy. The burly man hadn’t even given her a name to work with, and didn’t look like he planned on giving it anytime soon. Oh well. She was used to working in suboptimal conditions anyway.

She strode up to the big man, slapping a hand into his and shaking it firmly. “Hi! My name is Gudako, and I am a magus from the Chaldea Security Organization.” She said with a smile. “I’m very pleased to meet you. I hope we will be able to work well together this upcoming semester.”

The burly man stared at her blankly. 

Gudako let go of his hand, but held her smile.

The man continued to stare, as if struck by a bolt of pure disbelief. The class burst into a whirlwind of whispers as they traded bets on exactly how their new professor was gonna be killed on her first day (and usually it took at least three.) The seconds passed. The air thinned. The man seized her in the blink of an eye, and pulled her into a bear hug.

His voice was a poorly made sand castle in high tide, ugly and crumbling way too quickly. “N-Nobody’s s-s-said they were p-p-pleased to s-see me in fifty three y-y-years.”

“Oh.” Gudako choked out, patting his back. “W-well. I’m sure they were all thinking it.”

The man put her down, placing his hands on her shoulders. Tears welled at the corner of his eyes, as he smiled for the first time in decades. The class' jeers were swept away, drowned under the raucous applause that followed. Gudako grinned back at her student. It looked like this was another mission succe-

“Professor.” The man said, his expression darkening. “The fools in this room do not deserve your wisdom.”

“Wait… What?”

“You are returning with me. The Yggdmillenia will welcome you with open arms.”

“Wait that’s not-”

A fissure of rock erupted between them, hurling the man into the far wall. A blonde woman stood on top of her desk, her outstretched arm crackling with power.

“You mother _fucker!”_ The woman screeched. _“_ The Edelfelts will not be robbed! We claim the little girl as our own!”

A thin, spindly old man drew twin daggers from his sleeves. “Neither of your claims will matter if I kill you both first.”

“And hand her over to the senior stick-man?!” cried a young girl at the back, already rolling up her sleeves.

“As if any of you could kill an Archibald!”

“YOU WILL ALL SURRENDER YOUR SPOILS TO THE ISTARI.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

“RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

Gudako dived behind the lectern as fire balls and lightning bolts filled the air. Any attempt by a magi to leave their chair and approach the front of the class was stopped by a crushing wave of magical energy. At least one of her students had turned out to be a necromancer, and was currently in the process of summoning five more skeleton warriors to repel the man with the daggers. 

Glass shattered as Mash Kyrielight dived in through a window, deftly rolling next to her senpai and deploying her shield to absorb a blow from the battle axe tossed her way. 

“With all due respect senpai.” She said, smacking away two magi that attempted to get too close. “We did tell you so.”

“In my defense, it was going really well. Until it suddenly wasn’t.”

“So it’s business as usual?”

“Time for a tactical retreat, yeah.”

At those words, Mash hoisted Gudako up over her shoulder, put her shield on her back, and bolted.

All at once, the magi froze where they were.

“She’s taken the Chaldea master!”

“GET HER.”

An icicle shard whizzed overhead as the magi piled out of the lecture hall and chased Mash down the Clocktower’s winding corridors. 

Holding her master firmly, Mash raised a hand to her ear. “This is Mash Kyrielight, requesting extraction!”

They barreled past the faculty rooms, with Mash grabbing any shiny objects or potions she could find and tossing them behind her, hoping to slow down the fast approaching mob. A purple vial hit the Edelfelt, causing her to rapidly float away like a toddler's swearing helium balloon making its grand escape. A sparkling flask froze three magi at the front, causing a crowd of passing art students to block the way and admire the extraordinary new ice sculptures in the hallway. 

That bought them a few seconds to pick out a turn in an intersection. 

“Mash.” Gudako said. “Mash we’re headed to a dead end! There’s nothing after the stained glass window!”

Mash picked up speed as a raven familiar dived for her and missed, right into a passing professor’s face. “Hold on tight,  _Master_.”

“Mash… Mash no! Mash we’re on the thirteenth floor! Mash wait! Mash! Wait! Waitwaitwaitwaitwait-”

Too late. They left poor glass Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg in pieces as they plummeted to the ground. Servant Shielder sucked in her breath, spun around, and channeled power to the shield at her back. 

“ _Wall of chalk.”_

Protective golden light enveloped her armor as they slammed into the ground, leaving a medium sized crater with a leak where a fountain used to be. Mash coughed out the dirt in her lungs, then checked on the quivering master still wrapped in her arms.

“Are you alright senpai?”

“Heart attack notwithstanding, I think I’m fine.” 

“Good. Our ride is here.”

Right on cue, a modified version of Da Vinci’s wooden car pulled up next to the crater. It looked like Da Vinci decided to make her own limo.  Astolfo’s awestruck face peeked out the driver’s seat window. 

“And they call me crazy! Stairs exist you know!”

Mash heaved Gudako into the passenger’s seat, and clambered up the roof of the car.

“Astolfo!” She cried, “Where’s your hippogriff?!”

“Have you all gone mad? I can’t bring my hippogriff into London! Some Barry Trotter fanatic will get a picture and he’ll be all over the internet!”

“Fine, fine! Just drive!”

“Ok ok! What’s the rush anywa-YOWCH!” 

Astolfo rubbed his shoulder as the gandr shot’s effect dissipated quickly. The angry mob had reached the ground floor.

“Woah, woah. What’s with the entourage?”

“I  _am_  rather popular.” Gudako said from the limo's floor.

“Just drive Astolfo!” said Mash’s muffled voice from on top of the car.

“Driving!” He replied, and slammed on the gas pedal.

Gudako’s students continued to hurl curses, hexes, and words to make your grandmother blush at the strange, escaping wooden limo.

“Stop them before they leave the school grounds!”

“The wyverns! I got the wyverns from the biology department!”

Soon the air was filled with the screeches of flying lizards, as the wyverns and their riders attempted to crash Da Vinci’s speeding car and dislodge the shield knight surfing on it. Cracks were beginning to inch along the windows shielding Gudako, growing with every contact with a wyvern’s claw.

“Where did they even learn to ride wyverns?” Gudako said. “Where was that lesson in Chaldea training?!”

The car shook as Mash fended off another wyvern tackle.

“Astolfo!” Mash said, tapping the roof to grab his attention. “Get master out of here; I’ll hold them off! They can’t attack you outside the Clocktower’s grounds or people would see them!”

Astolfo opened the front compartment and pulled out a pair of shades. “Got it! We’ll pick you up later Mash! Hold on Master. We’re gonna see how fast this thing can go!”

The car leaped forward as Astolfo shifted the engine into maximum overdrive. Mash was sent flying by the inertia, into the nearest wyvern. Cleanly dislodging its rider with a single punch, Mash heard her senpai calling for her.

“NONLETHAL FORCE MASH!” Gudako yelled, voice swiftly growing fainter as the car sped away. “NONLETHAL FORCE! THEY’VE STILL GOT A PAPER DUE ON TUESDAaaaaaaaayyyyy…..”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I know I'm supposed to be working on Chapter 2 of Where The Red Came From but I wanted to get all the humor out of my system first!
> 
> You can also follow me on my Tumblr at http://shuttershocky.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Come say hi!


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